2Asseteria

Top 10 Plain Wrong Record Covers

Written by lmercedes

January 21, 2011 2:11 pm

The vaults of dance music history are littered by an abundance of pretty bad record covers. Bargain basements across the land are filled with these artefacts, as musicians insist on conveying their sound visually on an album sleeve when they should really be sticking to their area of expertise.

Some are disturbing, some are confusing. Some record covers are just lucky to have somehow made it past the brainstorming stage. It’s amazing how much plain wrong you can fit into 144 square inches. Allow Maxumi to show you how as we count down 10 of the very wrongest record covers.

10) Cerrone – Cerrone’s Paradise (1977)

Cerrone’s needs are few and simple. We never had the Godfather of French Touch and later Bob Sinclar collaborator down as the domestic type, but if this record cover is anything to go by, all that’s required to keep the man happy (in no particular order) are a the touch of a fair woman, fully stocked fridge, and impeccably clean bathroom tiles.

9) Goldfrapp – Train (2003)

It’s not the first time Goldfrapp’s dabbled in the suggestion of bestiality but it is the most frighteningly visual. A grand example of the fun that can be had with Photoshop. But for now, Aphex Twin will always be the master.

8) Shut Up and Dance – Dance Before the Police Come (1991)

…and that’s an order. Is there a sight less likely to get you into a party mood? “Dance, bitch or become sashimi”. “Erm… shouldn’t the police be here by now?”

7) Donna Summer – Love To Love You Baby (1975)

Have we caught you at a tender moment Miss Summer? As if the censorship brigade hadn’t had enough of a field day with the subject matter featured on this album – the lead single was banned by the BBC after they counted 22 simulated orgasms on it – this cover opens up another can of innuendo worms entirely. And they call them innocent times.

6) Jack McDuff – Sophisticated Funk (1976)

The Seventies is shaping up to be the go-to decade for plain wrong record covers. With such a title, it seems this one is trying to give an air of refinement, though feels the need to deploy some industrial hardware before it veers into soft porn. Sophisticated? If you say you are Jack, who the heck are we to disagree? Because nothing suggests sophistication like a combi lock chastity belt.

5) Asseteria! Live from Uranus mixed by Chriss Vargas (2010)

Menfolk, especially musician menfolk, have long been inspired by the rump. You need only to glance upon the back catalogue (pun intended) of Sir Mix-A-Lot, N*E*R*D and, erm, the Black Eyed Peas to verify this well-known truth. But this cover represents all kinds of wrong. Where do we begin? On top of the fact that spaceman here (who we can only hope is not an image of the litigious astronaut Bruce McCandless II) is planting a great frickin’ flag in this poor love’s left botty cheek, there’s a mysterious blue light beaming out the… well, you know. In a final flourish of subtlety, said flag reads “THIS IS ASS”. Commercial suicide, perhaps? One can only wonder how this creation made it past the boardroom, or wherever these abum – sorry – abominations are dreamed up.

4) Love and Kisses – Love and Kisses (1977)

Ooh, isn’t the prelude to a gang bang exciting? Courtesy of Cerrone’s friends Love and Kisses, on this cover we’re treated to the image of six disembodied arms surging at a defenceless lady in a very threadbare t-shirt. So Six Arms, you think sexual assault is funny? Joke’s on you. “Love and Kisses”? That really won’t stand up as a reasonable defence when you find yourselves in court for gang rape.

3) Millie Jackson – Back to the S**t (1989)

You spend the good part of a year pouring blood, sweat and tears into an album only to turn out a great (and by the looks of it, firm) poo on the cover. Our Millie has a history of dumping out these challenging record covers – we dare you to put her name into Google Images. Just what is she planning to do with that shoe? We recommend prune juice.

2) Lords of Acid – Pussy (1998)

The Belgian acid-housists who brought us jolly singalongs like “Rough Sex”, and “I Sit on Acid” (refrain: “Darling come here, f*** me in the…”) much less pushed the envelope, preferring to screw it up and shove it right up Planet Asseteria. In 1998 they brought us this delightfully literal rendering of a lady’s special parts, and in their creative grafting together of mammalian tissue might have inadvertently inspired the sequel to The Human Centipede.

1) Pooh-Man (MC Pooh) – Funky As I Wanna Be (1992)

We’re terribly glad Pooh-Man decided to take a break from his lunch to pose for this photograph. Where one would think that the intention here was to come off a bit playboy, at certain angles – hell, at all angles – he looks more like a still from a deleted scene from One Born Every Minute, or a giant bespectacled turd. We really didn’t think we’d have to break out the prune juice twice in one feature.

What do you reckon? Got any recommendations that stoop lower than these? By all means whip them out and post them below. Or, if you’re feeling the winter blues, check out our Top 10 Summer Anthems.


Leonie Mercedes


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